Bryan’s Planned* March North with a Tin Hat

A favorite marketing strategy used by slimy recruiters seeking foreign robots for employment in the Chinese education industry is the promise of ample opportunities for travel and exploration. All while earning cash and keeping yourself out of debt. I’ve enjoyed some advertisements which are bold enough to suggest to fresh English meat that teaching in China is actually a method of traveling for free. I bet the wizards who came up with that one thought they were quite clever.

Naturally, the truth is kept from the naive by an elaborate conspiracy orchestrated by a dark and sinister cadre of English overlords supported by demons of higher standing. Their goal is nothing but unconditional control over the truth, a secret so powerful and earthshaking that it would send shock waves though legions of young, lazy and lost university graduates seeking an easy life and a medium with which to “find” themselves and “figure things out”. The length at which these people are protecting the truth knows no boundaries and in some instances it has been documented that they even go as far as to provide subsidized housing, Chinese calligraphy lessons and other cultural opportunities in an attempt to silence the people and protect the status quo. They control the media, they control the government, they control the school, and they control YOU.

Your travel dreams will go unfulfilled while employed as an FT in China.

Travel for those poor foreign teachers in China exists only in name, with holidays rationed out to foreign teachers during the seasons where 1.3 billion people are on the move. Holidays conveniently coincide with a brilliant scheme of nation wide “English camps” in which millions of little devils are released by their masters in order to study foreign magic and voodoo that is commonly known as English. Unable to travel freely due to the annual national migration of Spring Festival and Summer holiday, foreign teachers are pressed ganged into service in a similar fashion to those allegedly ‘forced’ into the armed service. “We didn’t want to do it, but our situation compelled us too!” The alternative is a long period of boredom, alcoholism brought on by cheap abundant products, and tens of thousands of RMB in medical fees for repairing eyes destroyed by days of surfing the internet, playing counterstrike and watching pirated DVD’s.

In an effort to prevent any traveling on “The Man’s Time”, working visa expiry dates are positioned to self destruct only several weeks after a foreign teachers release, thus further eroding travel ability and potential.

The result. A legion of young and good looking foreign teachers duped, and then locked into training minions in the dark arts of language. There is not hope….

Luckily for one individual, his clown like and down right retarded antics in the classroom have proved popular among some students creating some influence within management circles. Thus enabling a possibly tasty time period, which, while not perfect for traveling, may help scratch several items of the “Things I need to do before I die…or get married” list.

…………….Bryan’s March North is planned to begin on 9 August 2006 with a train to the factory encrusted wastelands of Manchuria in an effort to discover the lost borderlands of the fabled and often misunderstood North Korea…and to prove to everyone that he can make it up there on his own, after being cruelly denied several months before and forced to endure 10 days of pain and suffering in Beijing. He will have his revenge…. From the peaks of Changbaishan (长白山) to the Russo-landscaped city of Harbin, the journey will continue to the wilds of Mongolia where the RMB can actually be used be utilized with surprisingly efficiency. Far more than just grassy steppes and horses, Mongolia will offer abundant trekking opportunities and possibly even the tantalizing prospect of camping in the mountains of the taiga. Our intrepid traveler will then proceed further north into Gulag country on an expedition to a lake rumored to be very deep. Why stop there, when there is so many more people in Russia waiting squeeze every penny out of foreign travelers? The abuse continues on a train to the mysterious city of Vladivostok where Bryan hopes to retain enough money to make back to the sanctuary of safe China where people respect the pocket book of the average traveling man.

*within this context, planned is used loosely and largely because the authors deteriorating writing abilities prevent the use of more advanced vocabulary

Part Two

Alright, I haven’t posted in over a month due to the following:

1. Because my time has been dedicated to working out this bank busting travel scheme.
2. I got tired, and therefore lazy, so I just didn’t care anymore.
3. My domain expired and this website disappeared for several days while I was being lazy.
4. Spending too much time with real live people.
5. Actually studying Mandarin.
6. Adjustments in my personal life.
7. Going through my list of Chinese dirty words.
8. Wishing Starbucks/tea houses was cheaper so I could live in one because work efficiency increases 300% while working away from internet and DVD players.
9. Avoiding World Cup and questions as to why I’m not a team sport fan with extreme prejudice.
10. Moping around because most of my friends packed out of Nanjing.
11. Bitching about the ridiculous price-salary percentage ratio in China. Open question: Are you spending your entire month salary plus 25% on your plane ticket? What about 40% of your salary on a mobile phone? 1% on a beer?
12. Gallivanting around Shanghai, with cool people out of my league and economic standing.
13. Convincing myself that Shanghai is cool, but I would never live there unless I was pulling a big freakin’ fat western pay check every month.
14. Wondering why I’m not pulling in a big freakin’ fat western pay check every month.
15. Wondering why I’m listening to Bruce Cockburn explain to me that he’s wondering where the lions are…
16. Wondering why I have a Bruce Cockburn track on my playlist…
17. Wondering why my playlist includes ten Bruce Cockburn tracks….

3 Responses to Bryan’s Planned* March North with a Tin Hat

  1. Sue says:

    Hey Bryan – I didn’t know you liked old Bruce. I have a great rendition of Wonderin where the lions are in gaelic by Mary Murphy (Painted Moon CD)
    Good luck with your trip planning ( I hope it includes Canada!)

  2. Alex B. says:

    Hey man! I thought the Chinese government had found you and thrown your foreign ass off a cliff for having such an *envelope-pushing* website, what with your use of words and all. The other reason I thought you were dead is because I didn’t get an email reply from ya. Good to see that you’re still alive.
    Take care!

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