Anhui

By Bryan • china, humour, life, nanjing, personal, travel • 28 Oct 2004

I am leaving tommorrow for Anhui province on a 3 day expedition with the other FT’s. I can’t remember exactly where in Anhui I am going, but it being paid for by NNU, which is alright by me.

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I was surfing around the various CCTV channels last night and three stations in a row, THREE, had ads for ‘turn-your-skin-white’ products. Last I looked, the current rage among fair skinned persons seems to be turning their skin a nice orange colour by paying to have it pounded with ultra-violet rays. Just a little cultural observation/comment.

Ok, that was my lame attempt at adding content to my posts…but honestly, all I really want to do is continue chronicling the “Struggle”.

War News:

At approximately 0630 hrs the Ministry of Defense received reliable information that a large Charlie Romeo (CckRch) was in the vicinity of the Kit Chen Mountains in Central RoB. While the first delivery of special weapons is not expected till later this afternoon, it was decided by top officials to engage this target of opportunity using avaliable forces.

“We decided to dispatch the King’s Light Foot Regiment (Mechanized) as they recently converted to the new Salomon Fighting Vehicle”. Major Johnston of the Briangle was quoted earlier today. “This was an excellent opportunity to test out our new hardware”.

“I am very pleased with the performance of the Salomon” said Captain Al Fredricks of 3rd Battalion, Kings Foot. Romeo definetly carries more armour than we origninally predicted, and their speed is impressive, especially when we flipped on our floodlights, but when we had the full weight of the Regiment behind us, it really wasn’t much of a contest. People protested the purchase of the Salomons, but they have definetly pulled their weight”.

“I’ve shot my share of mosquitos back on the farm” said Private Clay Bigspy, 20 “but I’ve never seen anything come apart like that! We must have hit a fuel tank or some ammunition or something, because the thing just exploded, pieces everywhere!. I had no idea it would be such a *censored* rush!” Oh Romeo, where art’ thou? appears to have become the unofficial rally cry of the armed forces.

While many of the troops share Pvt. Bigspy’s sentiments, others are not so enthusiastic. “When you kill a living creature, you lose something which you can’t get back” said Warrant Officer 2nd Class Todd Todster. “I hate it, but I’m out here in the hope that my little boy will never have to see what I see”.

The World opinion appears to be divided on the hard handed approach being taken by the government of RoB. While one major world power has pledged full support, others are upset with the RoB’s unilateral action which is seen as very cowboyish and might possibly destabilize the world economy. In other news, parlimentary delibrations continue over the creation of autonomous regions within the RoB and the the recently formed “Friends of Archy” anti-war movement is gaining momentum, especially among the younger generations.

Anyways, I’ll try to get some more posts in, but there might not be anything until Sunday night.

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4 Responses

  1. General Mike

    With the pending absence of the leader of the RoB, General Mike, the great leader of the People’s Military Dictatorship, has promised to speed up the mobilisation and deployment of the crack 101st heavy foot regiment. This regiment is equipped with the state-of-the-art Terra Tank. According to Col. Stomp, commander of the 101st, the heavy treads and resistivity to toxic substances make the Terra Tank the ideal fighting vehicle for destroying Charlie.

    More liberal peaceniks showed up to protest the deployment of the 101st heavy foot regiment. According to the state media, these traitors were quickly rounded up and dealt with even more severaly than before.

    In related news, General Mike has offered to assist the RoB in dealing with the anti-war movement as quickly and efficiently as was done in the Military Dictatorship of Mike.

  2. Fraser

    The Empire of Hart balked today at the Republic of Bryan’s claim of international support. “Clearly, they are leading a coalition of the bribed and coerced”, scoffed First Lady Mary-Kate Olsen, “I mean, the People’s Military Dictatorship of Mike is so desperate for foreign investment that it would do anything to get on Prime Minister Crosby’s good side. It’s pretty sad when the best ally you have is a country with more letters in its name than soldiers in its army.”

    Meanwhile, the Empire continued pushing through new resolutions condemning the use of biological weapons such as RAID, as well as debating the exact meaning of the word “genocide”.

    Horrifying pictures of the Kit Chen raids were published today, showing innocent civilian bacteria (that had depended on Romeo to supply food) among the casualties. The Empire of Hart is now publicly backing rebel leader Archie the Cockroach in his quest for an independent state.

    Finally, the Central Intelligence Agency of Bryan has moved the country to “Code Red” status, saying that there is a “highly probable” chance that a midnight terrorist attack will occur, probably involving “al Cicaida” insects laying eggs in Bryan’s intestines or mouth. These attacks will presumably be in response to the assasination of the popular Romeo.

  3. General Mike

    In a hastily called news conference today, General Mike had harsh words for Emperor Hart and his First Lady.
    “Emperor Hart is spending time pushing through useless resolutions and participating in pointless debate, when he should be ensuring his own wife eats properly. I mean, what is the point of debating the definition of genocide when we freely admit that that is exactly what we are doing. Clearly Mary Kate’s weak mind and body is representative of the Empire of Hart as a whole. Also, Ashley Olsen is hotter.”

    General Mike went on to say that if the world was horrified at the sight of the Kit Chen raids, “They ain’t seen nothing yet. The waters of the West Tank will run black with the dead. No creature not standing on two legs will be spared in our quest to rid the RoB of the vermin that infest it”

    When Greg Spineless, a reporter from the HBC (Hart Broadcasting Corporation), asked General Mike if he was at all concerned about the possibility of a worldwide backlash against the atrocities his army is about to commit, Greg was shot. General Mike then issued a warning to all citizens of the Empire of Hart. “For as long as you support your cowardly Emperor and feeble First Lady, you are not safe coming within 100 miles of my great country!”

  4. archy the cockroach

    the cockroach who had been to hell

    listen to me i have
    been mobbed almost
    theres an old simp cockroach
    here who thinks he has
    been to hell and all
    the young cockroaches make a
    hero out of him and admire
    him he sits and runs his front
    feet through his long white
    beard and tells the story one
    day he says he crawled into a yawning
    cavern and suddenly came on a
    vast abyss full of whirling
    smoke there was a light
    at the bottom billows
    and billows of yellow smoke
    swirled up at him and
    through the horrid gloom he
    saw things with wings flying
    and dropping and dying they veered
    and fluttered like damned
    spirits through that sulphurous mist

    listen i says to him
    old man youve never been to hell
    at all there isn t any hell
    transmigration is the game i
    used to be a human vers libre
    poet and i died and went
    into a cockroach s body if
    there was a hell id know
    it wouldn t i you re
    irreligious says the old simp
    combing his whiskers excitedly
    ancient one i says to him
    while all those other
    cockroaches gathered into a
    ring around us what you
    beheld was not hell all that
    was natural some one was fumigating
    a room and you blundered
    into it through a crack
    in the wall atheist he cries
    and all those young
    cockroaches cried atheist
    and made for me if it
    had not been for freddy
    the rat i would now be
    on my way once more i mean
    killed as a cockroach and transmigrating
    into something else well
    that old whitebearded devil is
    laying for me with his
    gang he is jealous
    because i took his glory away
    from him dont ever tell me
    insects are any more liberal
    than humans

    archy