Declaration of War

By Bryan • china, humour, life, nanjing, personal • 27 Oct 2004

I encountered my very first cockroach, and this wasn’t any ordinary roach…this fellow was a freakin’ M1A1 battle tank.

Press Release

In an emergency all-night parliamentary meeting, the government of the Republic of Bryan voted unanimously to ignore the UN Rules Governing the Conduct of War and Armed Conflict and pursue a policy of genocide. It was decided that such a policy was the only option which would protect the freedom, liberty and integrity of our great nation. Only creatures of the two legged variety will be permitted to reside, work and pursue leisure activities within the borders of the Republic.

Parliament also approved the allocation of funds towards the purchase and acquisition of advanced biochemical weapon platforms which will assist the conventional forces in operations against this formidable foe.

Triangle spokesperson Major Johnson said that mobilization orders we given several hours ago, and the combat phase of Operation Righteous Cleansing is expected to commence as early as tomorrow afternoon. It is rumoured that the crack, and highly secretive First Special Weapons Division will play a pivotal role, with conventional forces operating in a support capacity. Strategic Air Command has been ordered on hot alert and will be carrying high yield RAID weaponry. Tactical ordanence packages will be deployed throughout the country in order to faciliate quick and rapid responses.

Critics argue that the government is going too far in authorizing the use of chemical and biological weaponry, claiming instead that such systems pose an unnecessary risk to citizen health. “I can’t believe those assholes up on the Hill are so narrow-minded that they are actually considering the use of such barbaric forms of mass murder” said one protester, dressed in Che Guevara T-shirt. “This is a blatant war of aggression by the imperialistic, corporate lackeys running the government. This isn’t democracy. I didn’t vote for this fucking war. But you know, it’s only about the oil and other resources…the government doesn’t like it that these guys were here first”.

Prime Minister Crosby responded by stating that “This is neither the time nor place for timidness. The creatures don’t respect our way of life, there is no reason we should respect theirs. These disgusting creatures pose a threat to our way of life, and must be exterminated at all costs. This is a worldwide problem, and we have the full support of our neighbors, some of whom have even offerred military assistance. We all must rise to the task at hand. We must hit hard, and hit fast. Morale is high. Surrender is not an option. We will be victorious”.

Seriously though…I hate these things, and I am going to kill them all.

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4 Responses

  1. Fraser

    The Empire of Hart announced today that it strongly opposes such extreme measures, and feels that such a decision should be made through an international agency. It reminded the Republic of Bryan that they have taken over what was formerly insect territory. The Empire of Hart pushed through a resolution called the “Roadmap to Peace” plan, whereby Bryan agrees to allocate some of the occupied lands for a new Insect state, such as between the fridge and wall (aka the Pasta Strip) and near the toilet (West Tank). In exchange, the Insect nation agrees to stop sending roaches on late night “chew on Bryan’s face while he sleeps” missions. The Empire of Hart stated that failure to comply with these resolutions will result in further harsh words, and possibly more resolutions.

    Critics are arguing about the motives of the Empire of Hart, and bemoaning yet another public falling out between the two formerly close allies. The Empire of Hart has business interests in the insect nation, and their destruction would almost certainly damage its rotten food exports. There is now a public backlash in the Republic of Bryan against the Empire of Hart, and citizens have changed familiar expressions like “Heart Attacks” to “Freedom Attacks”.

  2. Mike

    PRESS RELEASE

    The People’s Military Dictatorship of Mike offers full support to the Republic of Bryan. The insect hordes have ignored the secuirty council for far too long. It is clear that even if the Pasta Strip and the West Tank were seceded to them, they would continue to carry out chewing missions against the great people of the RoB. Therefore, the time for resolutions and useless diplomacy has passed. The RoB must protect its people from those who wish to destroy their way of life, and the People’s Military Dictatorship of Mike will stand side by side with them.

    Excerpts from a speech given by the Great Dictator for Life, Mike.

    “The great and fearless army of the People’s Military Dictatorship of Mike is currently being mobilized. The Air Force will begin conducting RAID missions within 24 hours. The fearless soldiers of the People’s Military Dicatorship of Mike will show no mercy to the insect hordes.”

    “Those who are not with us, are against us. In response to the objections by the Empire of Hart, the Military Dictatorship of Mike is immediately severing all foreign relations with the Empire of Hart. The diplomats from the Empire of Hart who are in my country will be immediately rounded up and dealt with accordingly.”

    Reported in State Media

    A few peacenik liberal citizens of the Military Dictatorship of Mike have attempted to protest the war and the severing of relations with the weak and spineless Empire of Hart. These traitors were immediately rounded up and dealt with in the same way as the diplomats of the Empire of Hart.

  3. archie the cockroach

    stop stop stop – you haven’t heard about archie yet

    the coming of archy
    By Don Marquis, in “archy and mehitabel,” 1927

    The circumstances of Archy’s first appearance are narrated in the following extract from the Sun Dial column of the New York Sun:

    Dobbs Ferry possesses a rat which slips out of his lair at night and runs a typewriting machine in a garage. Unfortunately, he has always been interrupted by the watchman before he could produce a complete story. It was at first thought that the power which made the typewriter run was a ghost, instead of a rat. It seems likely to us that it was both a ghost and a rat. Mme. Blavatsky’s ego went into a white horse after she passed over, and someone’s personality has undoubtedly gone into this rat. It is an era of belief in communications from the spirit land.

    And since this matter has been reported in the public prints and seriously received we are no longer afraid of being ridiculed, and we do not mind making a statement of something that happened to our own typewriter only a couple of weeks ago.

    We came into our room earlier than usual in the morning, and discovered a gigantic cockroach jumping about on the keys. He did not see us, and we watched him. He would climb painfully upon the framework of the machine and cast himself with all his force upon a key, head downward, and his weight and the impact of the blow were just sufficient to operate the machine, one slow letter after another. He could not work the capital letters, and he had a great deal of difficulty operating the mechanism that shifts the paper so that a fresh line may be started. We never saw a cockroach work so hard or perspire so freely in all our lives before. After about an hour of this frightfully difficult literary labor he fell to the floor exhausted, and we saw him creep feebly into a nest of the poems which are always there in profusion.

    Congratulating ourself that we had left a sheet of paper in the machine the night before so that all this work had not been in vain, we made an examination, and this is what we found:

    expression is the need of my soul
    i was once a vers libre bard
    but i died and my soul went into the body of a cockroach
    it has given me a new outlook upon life
    i see things from the under side now
    thank you for the apple peelings in the wastepaper basket
    but your paste is getting so stale i cant eat it
    there is a cat here called mehitabel i wish you would have
    removed she nearly ate me the other night why dont she
    catch rats that is what she is supposed to be fore
    there is a rat here she should get without delay

    most of these rats here are just rats
    but this rat is like me he has a human soul in him
    he used to be a poet himself
    night after night i have written poetry for you
    on your typewriter
    and this big brute of a rat who used to be a poet
    comes out of his hole when it is done
    and reads it and sniffs at it
    he is jealous of my poetry
    he used to make fun of it when we were both human
    he was a punk poet himself
    and after he has read it he sneers
    and then he eats it

    i wish you would have mehitabel kill that rat
    or get a cat that is onto her job
    and i will write you a series of poems showing how things look
    to a cockroach
    that rats name is freddy
    the next time freddy dies i hope he wont be a rat
    but something smaller i hope i will be a rat
    in the next transmigration and freddy a cockroach
    i will teach him to sneer at my poetry then

    dont you ever eat any sandwiches in your office
    i haven’t had a crumb of bread for i dont know how long
    or a piece of ham or anything but apple parings
    and paste and leave a piece of paper in your machine
    every night you can call me archy

  4. Bryan

    LOL….I absolutely love the posts! Thanks and keep em’ coming!